it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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