I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
