Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
