i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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