he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
The power of my boobs compel you
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I smell like Dick and happiness
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