the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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