Your face is a jimmy john
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize