happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
