it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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