Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
