sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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