You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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