Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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