About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
high people should be assigned attendants
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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