Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
