you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
