wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
