I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
