Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
