and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize