I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
