My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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