let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
