Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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