Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
