someone get that fucking seahorse.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
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