you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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