I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
