The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
