I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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