pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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