4 words: hood of his car
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
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