when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
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