she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Randomize