turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
