did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I think my moral compass just broke
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
