turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
You know, be my cock's hype man.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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