You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
