I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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