you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
