i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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