Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
