Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
