So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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