clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
