You're a womanizer and a bitch.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Randomize
