i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I touched a dick in church today
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