she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
