I will die if light touches me.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
