Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
