this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
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