ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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