does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
