Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
