Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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