i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
