So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
