Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
