when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
