nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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