get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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