Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
